All Jokes On Stream

DragonStanis

What do you call a lobster that won't share?

Shell-fish

DragonStanis

Why do libraries have elevators?

Because they have a lot of stories

DragonStanis

Where do spiders buy their clothes?

On the web

DragonStanis

Why did the cat get arrested?

He was caught littering

DragonStanis

Why do cemeteries have fences?

Because everyone's dying to get in

DragonStanis

Why did the teacher go to the eye doctor?

She couldn't control her pupils

DragonStanis

Why do dolphins sing off-key?

Because you can't tuna fish

DragonStanis

Why don't zombies eat clowns?

Because they taste funny

DragonStanis

What’s the best way to watch a fishing show?

Live Stream

Ghost_Of_Death__

corn is botanically considered a fruit

that makes whiskey ketchup

DragonStanis

The Tory Party

That's it, that's the joke

ironmaidenaddict

I opened my Russian advent Calender and each window a political opponent fell out

MaxWattage

I just had an idea for a vegetarian space combat and trading game.

I'm calling it: A-Leek Dangerous

MaxWattage

In the UK you can only rent handguns until 26 March.

That's when the glocks go back.

MaxWattage

I think Gus would be a good name a for a vegetarian sparrow.

A Sparrow-Gus

Pastry_the_Puft

Who can jump higher than a skyscraper?

No one, skyscrapers cant jump

bogbrush9861

With Twitter being rebranded as 'X', what will tweets be called?

X-cretions?

Ghost_Of_Death__

Mom

I just pissed the bed

Ghost_Of_Death__

what do you call a french grenade?

a Bombastique

GhostCat61616

Why do you get if you cross an Australian rock band with Michael Jackson?

AC/HeeHee

therealslimshady6689

Why should you never play Hide and Seek in a hospital?

you will end up in the I C U

Ghost_Of_Death__

what is it?

dragons?

Ghost_Of_Death__

microwave chair fly car motorcycle?

yes.

bogbrush9861

What's the most explosive note in music?

Middle C (C4)!

bigdaddykingkratos69

Why does an moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor!

GhostCat61616

What do you get if you cross the first singer of Black Sabbath with an island country?

Aussie Ausbourne

bogbrush9861

What do Among Us crewmates eat?

Sus-ages

GhostCat61616

What do gamers and serial killers have in common?

They both collect skins.

bogbrush9861

A liar, A cheat and a pervert walked into a bar

What would you like, Mr Johnson? said the barman

ShamblingIncompetence

What do you call a group of spring onions with a hip-hop career?

Rap-scallions!

ShinkoRups

I went on a Once in a lifetime Vacation

Never again

Ghost_Of_Death__

What song do you never want to hear in Japan?

Here comes the sun

Kat_of_Incompetence

What did the non-binary Wrestler call themselves?

They Mysterio

Ghost_Of_Death__

What do you call diarrhea in Iraq?

A boom de la caca

bogbrush9861

What is JK Rowling's favourite meal?

SWERF and TERF

ShamblingIncompetence

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What's round and really big?

This planet. It's not fucking flat, you stupid flat-Earth motherfuckers! NO!

Kat_of_Incompetence

My hourly rate for doing this job!

That's it, that's the joke...

MaxWattage

How does a non-binary samuri kill people?

They/Them

mrsgoldgosh

What Did the Traffic light say to the car

Don't look I am about to Change

bogbrush9861

Why is Darth Vader like Meghan Trainor?

He's all about that base (No Rebels)

Kat_of_Incompetence

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

Do you own research!

MaxWattage

Male bees die after mating. That's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

MaxWattage

Did you know that the plot of Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian worship song?

A Finnish Hymn.

MaxWattage

What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?

Black eyed peas can sing us a song but chickpeas can only hummus one.

bogbrush9861

What do you call a magic dog?

A LABRACADABRADOR!

joseph_16999

why did the kid run around his bed

to catch up on his sleep!

AJSpecky

Breaking - Trump blames Jeff Bezos for Amazon fires.

LGuyMicrowave

Roses are red, violets are blue

No one can make a joke on the spot, and neither can you

mrsgoldgosh

Why do ducks have feathers

To cover their butt quacks

OricBeast

Going to have a baby my sister is! They cheer!

Soon to be a father I will! Silence....

OricBeast

What do you think of CBT?

I'm talking about Crispy Buttery Toast, what did you think I was on about? :)

Kat_of_Incompetence

Tekashi 69 facing 47 years in prison after pleading guilty to racketeering, gun possession and attempted murder

It may be the first time a mumble-rapper finishes a sentence...

Arata2331

When your American when your going to the bathroom, and your American when your leaving it, what are you while your in the bathroom?

Euro-peein'

OricBeast

I hate it when my opponent does a hand loop and strips me of all the cards in my hand...

... it's a real Wind-Up!

MaxWattage

I'm worried about the vaccine side effects, I curently have a dad body,

but apparently it gives people aunty-bodies.

Kat_of_Incompetence

I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas...

It was motherfucking gold!

Kat_of_Incompetence

If you get attacked by a bear, play dead

It will be good practice for when you die a couple of minutes later

Kat_of_Incompetence

Honey is by far the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried eating so far...

OricBeast

They ruin the joke!

Why doesn't the punchline come first?

bogbrush9861

What are the three most important letters of the pirate alphabet?

C, I and R

Kat_of_Incompetence

i don't agree with the usage of upper case letters

i'm an anti-capitalist

Kat_of_Incompetence

What do you call a bunch of capitalists dying of tuberculosis?

Mass consumption

Kat_of_Incompetence

I'm not really a capitalist...

...I'm just buy-curious

Kat_of_Incompetence

What do you call an Islamic capitalist?

Profit Muhammad

Kat_of_Incompetence

Capitalists have it easy

They never have to spell bourgeoisie

Kat_of_Incompetence

In Capitalist America the Bank Robs YOU!

Kat_of_Incompetence

How many capitalists are needed to change a lightbulb?

None. Capitalists are not needed for anything. They just tagged along to ask for lighting subsidies

Kat_of_Incompetence

Knock knock. Who's there? A Marxist-Socialist. A Marxist-Socialist who?

A Marxist-Socialist who wants to give you a pamphlet about class struggle

Kat_of_Incompetence

A Marxist-Socialist walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he’s unionized

Kat_of_Incompetence

How many Marxist-Socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb, one to lament Milton Friedman’s laissez-faire economic policies

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why did the Marxist-Socialist cross the road?

To get to the Marxist-Socialist sit-in on the other side of the road

bogbrush9861

What feels British but isn't?

The contents of the British Museum!

bogbrush9861

Why are pirates like treasure hunters?

they like Arrr-tifacts

bogbrush9861

A man caught his son chewing on electrical cables

He had to ground him. His son is now conducting himself properly

xyoshi27

What happens if you overdose on Viagra

You die hard!

xyoshi27

What did the sandwich say to the doorman?

Lettuce in!

OricBeast

C H E E S E

mrsgoldgosh

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

Kat_of_Incompetence

Did you hear about the brooms?

They're sweeping the nation!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months

Phant0m_Drag0n

I like telling Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

Kat_of_Incompetence

What did the pirate pay for his piercings?

A buck an ear!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Where are the Buccaneers?

Under your buccan-hat!

Phant0m_Drag0n

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I am working on it!

Phant0m_Drag0n

A cheese factory exploded in France

Da Brie was everywhere!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Two fish swim into a concrete wall

The one turns to the other and says Dam!

Kat_of_Incompetence

I went to a seafood disco last week...

...and pulled a mussel

Phant0m_Drag0n

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired

Kat_of_Incompetence

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted

Phant0m_Drag0n

I'm tall when I'm young, and I'm short when I'm old. What am I?

A Candle

mrsgoldgosh

Why does a mermaid wear seashells

Because she outgrew her B-shells!

Phant0m_Drag0n

What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 2/4 goat?

Chicago

Phant0m_Drag0n

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

Moodoo!

mrsgoldgosh

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

oliblegend

What do you call a one legged donkey?

Wonkey

OricBeast

Knock, Knock!

The fuck you mean who's there? My name's in the corner!

OricBeast

Insert the question of your joke here!

And add the punchline to it here! Make jokes to gain website credit!

im_exotixz

What did the blueberry say to the other blueberry

If we weren't so sweet we wouldn't be in this jam

im_exotixz

What do you call a sad strawberry

A blueberry

im_exotixz

Someone stole my Microsoft account

They'll pay, you have my word!

im_exotixz

Someone stole my mood ring

I don't know how I feel about that

xyoshi27

My teacher told me I was failing chemestry

So I put Neymar and Mbappe up top!

xyoshi27

What do you call a toaster in a bath?

A bath bomb!

OricBeast

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

LGuyMicrowave

What do you call a programmer that does a pog face?

Pog-grammer

Kat_of_Incompetence

There's Lego all over my floor...

...I don't know what to make of it!

MaxWattage

Did you hear about the Spanish King that forgot where he parked?

Juan Carlos

ShamblingIncompetence

BNAG!

That's bang out of order...

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

Kat_of_Incompetence

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows!

Kat_of_Incompetence

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

Kat_of_Incompetence

How many ears does Spock have?

Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?

A nervous wreck!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

GRRRAAAIIINNNNS...

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?

Because she kept running from the ball!

Kat_of_Incompetence

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Does anyone need an ark?

I Noah guy!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why did the golfer change his pants?

Because he got a hole in one!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business!

Kat_of_Incompetence

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What's better than Ted Danson?

Ted singing and Danson!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

bogbrush9861

What do you call an archer with no hair?

Archibald!

LGuyMicrowave

What does lemon mean?

Lemon means Lhave Ea Mamazing Oday Ntoday

aspergination

An irishman willingly leaves a pub

ShamblingIncompetence

Breaking News:

The BFG-10000 is firing.

nini_stols

wb bog

Xtat1c_

What is a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?

A Trombone

that_hammer_

What is Moby Dick's dad's name?

Papa Boner

mrsgoldgosh

How does a penguin build its house

Igloo it together

bogbrush9861

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

In charge of planning, Yoda was

Kat_of_Incompetence

Two antennas got married

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

Kat_of_Incompetence

I'm deadly afraid of negative numbers!

I'll stop at nothing to avoid them!

Kat_of_Incompetence

I put all my cash into an Origami business..

It folded!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What did C.S.Lewis keep in his wardrobe?

That's Narnia business!

Kat_of_Incompetence

I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance

..so I pushed him over...

Kat_of_Incompetence

An Atom lost an electron

It really should have kept an ion them...

Kat_of_Incompetence

My ceiling isn't the best

... but it's up there!

Kat_of_Incompetence

The past, present and future walk into a bar...

It was tense...

Kat_of_Incompetence

What are windmills' favourite genre of music?

They're big metal fans

Kat_of_Incompetence

I put a high-voltage electric fence around my house...

My neighbour is dead against it!

Kat_of_Incompetence

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus!

Kat_of_Incompetence

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory...

...just for taking a day off!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Two silk worms had a race

It ended in a tie

Kat_of_Incompetence

I saw an advert for burial plots

That's the last thing I need!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why should you wear glasses whilst doing maths?

It improves division

N3moWolf

What do Cows do with a Van?

They use it to MOOOOOve out!

MaxWattage

I've decided to make a YouTube channel about Algae, Liverworts, and Moss

Please Lichen subscribe

MaxWattage

In the Australian town of Mercy, they serve a type of tea made from Koalas, but it is a bit lumpy.

That's because the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained.

mrsgoldgosh

What has fours wheels and flies

A garbage truck

bogbrush9861

What's a citrus fruits favourite endurance race?

Le Mons!

MaxWattage

I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

MaxWattage

The inventor of frosted glass came up with the idea very late on in his career.

But he went out in a glaze of blurry.

AstoranSolaire

Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar

AstoranSolaire

What's twelve foot long, got six legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree on top of you?

A snooker table

bogbrush9861

I watched a documentary on Thomas Edison

It was enlightening

oliblegend

Knock knock who's there?

Year 2020 virus wants a redo they said something about spending the whole year locked out

LGuyMicrowave

Engineer Gaming?

Engineer Gaming

bogbrush9861

What's a Lemon's favourite car?

A Citron

MaxWattage

What did the melon say to the lemon's marriage proposal?

I cantaloupe

MaxWattage

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for 150 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for 100?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean

MaxWattage

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door Good grief Holmes said Watson How on earth did you deduce that?

Its a lemon entry my dear Watson

ShamblingIncompetence

A Frenchman on Twitch stuck a few eggs up his cats bottom!

Oeufs in chat!

ShamblingIncompetence

Jeffery Epstein likes his video games like he likes his suicides!

Co Op!

ShamblingIncompetence

I asked a French man if he played video games

Wii he replied!

ShamblingIncompetence

What is the most popular game in Germany?

Mein Kraft!

ShamblingIncompetence

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching He said dad I wish real life was more like video games!

So I locked him in his room, and said he will have to pay a dollar for the DLC!

ShamblingIncompetence

I played a cool video game with some really hammered dudes!

We were Super Smashed Bros!

ShamblingIncompetence

What is a video game art designers favourite soft drink?

Sprite

ShamblingIncompetence

If life was a video game

I would return it immediately!

ShamblingIncompetence

I plan on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one!

Its gonna be a game changer!

ShamblingIncompetence

Why is great to have garbage men as my video game teammates?

They are used to carrying trash!

ShamblingIncompetence

I am working on a video game where you go back in time and kill Adam and Eve!

It will be the first ever First Person Shooter!

ShamblingIncompetence

I broke up with my video game console now its my exbox

Nothing personal it was just time for a switch!

ShamblingIncompetence

What does a Twitch streamer turned plumber say every time he earns money?

CLOGGERS!

ShamblingIncompetence

I made a bomb today with the help of my Twitch viewers!

Wow this really blew up! Thanks guys!

ShamblingIncompetence

What do you call voodoo during a livestream?

Twitchcraft

ShamblingIncompetence

The new societal norm on Twitch is really catching on!

Kappatalism

ShamblingIncompetence

Why are there no astronauts on Twitch?

Because in space no one can hear you stream

ShamblingIncompetence

When was the last time the Twitch Streamer got laid?

About a Fortnite ago!

ShamblingIncompetence

My father always told me when life gives you lemons

You are most likely in the produce aisle and should not overthink the situation

ShamblingIncompetence

What do you get when you cross a lemon with a dinosaur?

Tyrannosourest Rex

ShamblingIncompetence

Lemons are not perfect

They are just sublime

ShamblingIncompetence

Why did the lemon stop?

It ran out of juice

ShamblingIncompetence

What did the Borg say to the lemons?

Resistance is fruitile

ShamblingIncompetence

What did the lemon say to the lime?

Nothing beacuse fruit does not talk

ShamblingIncompetence

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime

ShamblingIncompetence

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

Kat_of_Incompetence

What is Sherlock Holmes favourite tree?

A lemon tree

Kat_of_Incompetence

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree...

remained fruitless

Kat_of_Incompetence

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it

Kat_of_Incompetence

Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

A Plot Twist

Kat_of_Incompetence

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemon aid

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the road was in their way!

Kat_of_Incompetence

Why was the lemon depressed?

It lost all of its zest

Kat_of_Incompetence

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss